Well, it’s a new year and time for a new diet. Last I started weight watchers, with some success. My problem is that I seem to gain and loose the same 20 pounds over and over again. It’s frustrating that I don’t have better will power when it comes to food. Everything else in my life is in control (for the most part). So why is it do hard when it comes to this? Oh well.. New year new diet. I started breakfast off right, hopefully I can keep it up. I’m really over having to tuck my big fat gut into my jeans.
Although I didn’t remember to take pictures… I started off the day with 3 toaster waffles, didn’t eat again until lunch which was quiche, then a few pretzels at home for snack. Dinner was pork and mushroom sauce over white rice with corn, I had a larger portion then I needed but not too bad. We’ll see how I do this evening….
This is NOT a feel sorry for me, I’m sad, woe is me blog. I know I am beautiful, I have great self esteem and I love my life. I do not want to be a size 0, I LOVE curves…I just don’t want to be so controlled by what I eat anymore.
well, I thought I wanted try posting as I ate but that is too time consuming. I think that posting once a day at night will be the way to go. It’ll be a good way to decompress and think about why I do what I do.
I went to go see my grandparents graves today. It sucked but It was a good day over all. As soon I got in the car I headed right for a bag of peanut butter filled pretzels that was in the diaper bag, Wyatt ate some of them, I ate most of them. Then for lunch I had a big ass grinder, it was delicious. I topped it off with about 32oz of cherry Pepsi, a bite of Wyatt’s grilled cheese and some of Dave’s fries. Then I got home and had a chocolate chip cookie…Later snacks were potato chips, mandarin oranges that have been in my bag since Disneyland last Thursday, and for “dinner” I had two toaster waffles because I knew that I wouldn’t need to cook tonight.
Currently I’m already planning my 10pm binge, It will most likely be the other half grinder that’s calling my name from the fridge. Possibly a bowl of Ice cream too.
I need to add that my son does not eat as bad as I do..and also I should point out that at no point during my day, did I eat because I was hungry. I don’t think I even know how to eat because NEED to. I eat for comfort, then I get pissed off because I’m eating so I eat some more. Vicious cycle. Maybe I’ll do better tomorrow.
So this is breakfast.. Im already cutting back my portion size because I would have normally filled that bowl to the top. Oh and I didn’t feel like getting a glass of water, so I chugged a good 10 ounces of pepsi right out of the bottle.
I’m a food addict. There I said it…It is a constant struggle for me. I’ve been an addict before, you know a “real” addict, like to drugs and booze and all kinds of scary shit. When I decided I was done, that was it, I was done. I stopped doing speed in a day, never went back, I did the same with cigarettes and alcohol. Food; however, I cant seem to quit. Before I had gotten pregnant I had lost close to 100 pounds, I know great right? not so much, even that was part of the addiction instead of over eating I had made myself anorexic. I traded one addiction for the other. Here I am almost 29, I have a great husband, a beautiful 17 month old baby boy…everything is great but I cant stop eating. I do it all day long, one snack after the other one meal after the next regardless if I’m hungry or not. I’m tired of it…everynight as i mow down my late night compulsive snack I swear its my last one..everymorning I wake up saying today will be different, and come Wyatt’s nap time at AM I’ve eaten my breakfast and half of his and and had a handful of chips.
I’m starting this bog so that I have a way of being accountable. I’m not ready to go on a diet, but I am ready to say ‘here this is why I’m a fat ass’. I’m doing to keep a public food diary, taking pictures of everything i put in my mouth..I don’t know if it will help, but at least I wont be a closet eater anymore…..
